Top Ten
Top Ten Signs you’re way out of shape E-mail

1. You get winded if you change the channels fast.

2. You haven’t been able to see your own feet while standing since 1987.

3. Your time in the 40-yard dash is 27 seconds.

4.Taco Bell sends you “Thank you” notes.

5.There is no combination of bread and cheese that you wouldn’t kill a man for.

6. You and your patrol partner are the same height, but when you’re both in the cruiser, she appears to be a foot taller because of the vehicle’s tilt due to the weight differential.

7. The last time you worked out, people were talking about this new thing called “aerobics.”

8. If you add your blood pressure reading to your cholesterol count you get a number between seven and eight hundred... thousand.

9. You get dizzy getting out of the car.

10. You think vegetables qualify as cruel and unusual punishment, which you are sworn to help prevent.

 
Top ten ways not to greet the responding officers E-mail

1. “Yeah the music’s loud- what are you gonna do about it?”

2. Wearing a thong, holding a sword in one hand and a joint in the other.

3. “Hey tough guy, I called like an hour ago.”

4. Running away.

5. (Two man team, one black cop, one white cop) “Alright now who’s Crockett and who’s Tubbs.”

6. A makeshift billboard made out of bed sheets hung on front of residence of said complaint that reads “I PAY YOUR SALARY!”

7. Gunfire.

8. A trained army of poop-throwing monkeys.

9. “Listen guys it’s not as bad as it looks. The blood on my shirt is from a paper cut and the body in the hallway is actually just a mannequin. I don’t know what my neighbor told you but that guy’s got in for me just because I’m a registered sex offender.

10. Hugs and kisses.

 
Top 10 ideas the city council has for balancing the budget E-mail

1. They’re going to borrow half the pension fund to pay for next year’s snow removal.

2. Local P.D. to be merged with EMS, Fire, Parks, and DPW. Hopefully someone with overdue books committing a crime on trash day will have a heart attack and you can score the elusive “trifecta!”

3. “Let’s just forget about that last contract, OK? I don’t know what we were thinking giving you guys a cost of living increase.”

4. Cities ignoring the advice of Muncie, Indiana and begging for an opportunity to participate in “Armed and Famous II” featuring Dog the Bounty Hunter, Joe Arpaio and the guy that played Big Pussy on the Sopranos.

5. Instead of the communications upgrade for your agency, the city has decided to buy every cop five minutes a month on his or her cell phone.

6. New policy – gas can only be used while responding to calls. If you’re on patrol, find a hill, coast and hope the bad guys can’t afford fuel either.

7. Taser purchase put on hold. Report to the duty sergeant to pick up palm-held joy buzzers.

8. The new health plan is from a provider called Wal-Mart.

9. Thursday is ‘Bring Your Own Toilet Paper Day.’

10. They’re not sure about anything specific. But they do know the money is coming out of your pocket.

 
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