101 Things Not To Say During Sex

[Iron Man]

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose

7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out

11. Person 1: This is your first time... right?
Person 2: Yeah... today

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZ

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...

47. No, really... I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession...

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please

78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer"

93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

[BigDawg]

Damn Ive used some of those........maybe that was the problem.



Nah couldn't have been.

[Iron Man]

Damn Ive used some of those........

Number 70?

[Michelle]

Guilty of #9.

[Doc_Holliday]

sad to say....guilty of 15.....I tried to tell her I was tired...LMAO

[Buttercup]

I heard #64 once, he'd lied about his age. He was much older than I thought.

[Ducky]

#65. Damnit.

[Just KC]

#65. Damnit.

ROFL Ducky!!!

[Just KC]

Guilty of #47 lol

[ghost98]

I was asked about #73 and i mentioned #101

[Bosco3379]

Guilty of # 91

[stumpy]

My wife stated # 29 just the other day

[Ducky]

My wife stated # 29 just the other day

Better you than me, dude. Worst I ever do to MrD is tell him I want another kitten, and then it's not typically during sex. Although.. do you think that'll increase my chances of him saying 'yes'?

[Iron Man]

Better you than me, dude. Worst I ever do to MrD is tell him I want another kitten, and then it's not typically during sex. Although.. do you think that'll increase my chances of him saying 'yes'?

Nope. That'd be a good way to lose an erection

[Ducky]

Damn. Ok, alternate plan of attack needed! I get cranky if I have to fly solo.

[sgtbambam]

I'm guilty of #9. Some chick was banging on my door at 3am. Had to get up to let her out!

[Lizzy]

Pleading the 5th.

[Iron Man]

The 5th selection was: (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

WOW

[kay88]

I have had #6 (Try breathing through your nose), #7 (A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!), #15 (ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ), #62 (And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!) all said to me at some point in time.

I am guilty of saying: #23 (Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!)
#28 (I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!) #34 (I think you have it on backwards) #35 (When is this supposed to feel good?) #60 (What tampon?) #72 (Did you come yet, dear?) #90 (Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!) #100 (How long do you plan to be "almost there"?)

[Ducky]

#44. Seriously. She does. We had to get a king sized bed to accomodate the extra crowding.